Coming Out

  • Posted on May 4, 2015 at 1:22 am

By Cheryl Taggert

A story of mine has just been posted. Some of you may have read it before, but this will be the first time it is available on this site. My other stories will continue to post here — I have quite a few — but I wanted to use my first story at Juicy Secrets, “Finding My Sister,” to address some things that I as a lesbian have had to face in my life.

I tell my fans my life is an open book. I am not private or secretive about my past in any way. My fantasy life is my fantasy life, and it happens to involve young girls. Until the government starts being able to control what we think about, our fantasies are our own. I struggled with this aspect of my personality for years, especially since I am female and we are supposed to be somehow biologically immune from such thoughts due to our mothering instinct. Or at least that’s what I thought.

Apparently, I missed the mothering gene as it relates to such fantasies. I know what you’re thinking. I must weigh 300 pounds and look more like a man than a woman. Not so. I consider myself reasonably attractive. I keep myself fit and am just getting back into my running routine after an extended illness kept me from it for nearly a year. I am approached by men frequently when I go out with my partner, as is she. We flirt, but not too seriously, all the while laughing at how much we can turn these men on with just a giggle that is more about what they WON’T be getting than what they’ve said.

But this is not actually what I am here to talk about. I am here to talk about acceptance and the pain caused by hatred. I know I am likely preaching to the choir, but perhaps my words will give you something to say the next time someone says something ugly about a member of the LGBT community.

When I was 16, I came out to my parents. I was scared out of my mind, but I felt that they were my parents and would accept me for who I am, regardless of my sexual preference. I literally hadn’t a clue that my parents, especially my mother, would react the way they did, which wasn’t pretty.

I was called a whore. A dyke. A sex addict. (Okay, that one may be true.) I was told I was going to hell. My dad actually asked me if I’d ever done anything with another girl and when I said I had, he slapped me. Hard. He then asked me who, but I refused to answer him since my first was a college girl they’d hired to house-sit and watch me one weekend when I was nearly 13 while they went out of town and she could have gone to jail. I had also been having an affair with my best friend. He asked if I was “doing it” with Terri (not her real name), and I told him no and that she knew and accepted me for who I was but wasn’t into girls — both lies, but one does what one must do when confronted with what amounted to an insane response to a young girl seeking acceptance from those who were supposed to love her unconditionally.

My mother basically stopped speaking to me, and my father wasn’t much better. She would speak to me only when necessary, and the conversations were always as short as possible. I tried to reason with her, but she would turn into a five-year-old by putting her hands over her ears and going “LA-LA-LA” loudly whenever I brought up the subject. Yep. She did that.

My father would look at me as if I had betrayed him on a very personal level. At least he didn’t act like a child when I would bring it up. He would just get that “how dare you do this to us” look and say, “We so wanted grandchildren.” I asked why they had stopped with me, and he said they’d tried, but I was “it.” He said that last word, “it,” as if he were calling me a bad name.

I will soon be 33 years old and have never gotten over that. To be rejected by people you love with such harshness leaves a permanent wound. It’s fine not to like what someone does, but it isn’t necessary to beat them over the head with your disappointment.

I am a good person. I donate to charities; I like a good joke; I am a good cook and take food to friends and even acquaintances in times of need. It just so happens I prefer the company of women in bed. This does not make me a monster; it simply makes me a lesbian. I also fantasize about young girls. But it is all fantasy. I would no more approach a young girl with the idea of getting her into bed than I would attempt to eat a giant boulder. I am aware that my stories involve young girls who not only accept sex with older women, but seek it and manipulate situations to get it. But that is fantasy. If I did what I do in my stories, I would ruin the lives of the girls who accepted my advances. I realize the difference between fantasy and reality.

So if someone ever says something derogatory or hateful about people who prefer or enjoy sex with people of the same gender, remind them that we are just as human as everyone else. We just happen to fall in love with those people of the same gender. It’s about more than sex. We love our partners the same way those women love their husbands, or those men love their wives.

And if they want to bring up Jesus, remind them that he said to love each other and treat each other accordingly.

Finally, when I was growing up, and especially after that encounter from Hell, I would wish for a little sister. Yes, as I discovered my genitals and how nice they felt when I touched them (although a rocking horse was my first masturbation tool when I was a little sprout of four), I began to feel that if I had a sister I could show her these things about her body — and share in the joy of discovery. This led to my writing the story that is posted as my first here. As you read it, remember that some of it is based in truth. And be kind. Incest between siblings is so common I am surprised when anyone expresses amazement about it. When I was young, quite a few of my friends messed around with their brothers, and those are just the ones who admitted it. I am also aware of many brothers who fooled around with each other as well as several sisters. Two sisters at the middle school where I teach were caught together a couple of years ago and put in a psych unit, which they definitely did NOT need. It ain’t that rare, folks, and those who did or do it shouldn’t be treated as if they are insane.

Well, that’s my little blog post for this time. Thank you for reading! Comments are welcome as well.

33 Comments on Coming Out

  1. Russell says:

    Dear Cheryl,

    I just read this sad tale and am so moved. I have many gay friends, clients and workers who have probably been through similar experiences. I am straight with a number of grown kids, some straight and some not. My wife and I love them all. They are smart, creative, fun loving people and we are very proud of them all. How they define themselves sexually is only one aspect of who they are and it really is not that important. What is important is that they be true to themselves, give back to society and do something meaningful with their lives. So far each of them has. It is tragic that your folks could not see you for who you are and rejected you. Somehow you need to overcome that hurt and move on, understanding that it is really their problem and not yours. You are a creative soul and I enjoy your tales and I am sure your students love you.

    Best

  2. Raoul says:

    Wow, what a tough gig. I have many gay friends, some of whom were kicked out their houses when they came out, which shocked me deeply at the time. I cannot imagine rejecting my daughter for any reason, I find it profoundly disturbing when I read or hear about people who do. Have a *hug*…

  3. Toy says:

    As a young lesbian I’d like to start by saying Thank You to all those that have come before me. A lot of people have ask me when I finally came out of the closet and I have to tell them I was never in, I was born this way. It’s still not an easy life but thanks to those that came before me it’s getting there. One of the big things I have to over come is my size. Being very tiny and petite makes it hard, I look much younger then I truly am. It’s hard to be taken seriously when people look at you and see someone they think is still a child that hasn’t even reached puberty. Yes I’m actually that tiny.
    Luck for me I have very supportive parents. The only thing my father ever said was that at least he didn’t have to worry about my coming home pregnant. This coming from the working mind of a doctor as well as a father. I’ve never tried to hide who or what I am but even I have my secrets. They know about the life I lead and luckily we are close enough that we can talk. Though I don’t go into detail. They only want to see me happy. I know in that respect I’m one of the lucky ones.
    I’m hopeful that some day I’ll find that special someone to spend the rest of my life with. I know that none of that would have been possible without all those that came before me, so again Thank You.
    Yours Truly Toy

    • Misty Meadow says:

      Forgive me for sounding flippant when such a serious topic is on the table, but it’s occurred to me that you could fulfill all our fantasies. A tiny woman who looks like a child? Wow! If we ever met, I might just fall head over heels in love with you. Have you ever role played, dressing as a little girl? I know this isn’t a forum for sharing actual experiences, but I’ve just had a lovely little fantasy pop into my mind. I might just write a story about it.

  4. Cheryl says:

    Captain Midnight, Russell, Raoul, and Toy,

    Thank you all for such wonderful comments and encouragement. I am encouraged every day by people like you. Your kind words and positive thoughts are what the world needs more.

    Captain, I’m not sure you are right or not about my dad. He and I rarely talk now. We just live our own lives, I suppose. Apparently, you are a kind soul and want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I only wish I could do the same, but I remain rejected. My mother passed away several years ago, so I don’t have to put up with rejection from her anymore.

    Please stay as kind and loving as you are. Toy, don’t let your size bother you. Someone will love you, believe me. Your heart is obviously much bigger than you are.

    Cheryl

  5. CaptainMidnight says:

    Cheryl,

    Thank you so much for your comment and your kind words to me.

    I think I was saying that it would not help you at all if your parents went to Hell after they died. It sounds like you want to love them as much now as you did up to your coming out to them.

    I’m actually not too surprised that your mom put her hands over her ears and sang “La La La” to drown you out. Once, when I was a holdout for acquittal on a jury, I became increasingly frantic because nobody else saw it my way. One juror said to ne, “You always have to be right.” It was the truth. When I finally gave in, after a snide comment from another juror about how long the deliberations were taking, I felt a profound sense of defeat and shame in myself. I didn’t actually say “(Bleep) you, you (bleeping bleep) who cares nothing about throwing away a person’s life,”) but I sure thought it.

    I suspect your mom always had to be right simply because she fervently believed in what she was taught, and plain could not accept defeat. Maybe she thought you hated her so much you told her the thing she feared the most. You can have homophobia out of fear, including fear of the truth.

    There may also be a profound sense of grief. I’d love to fall in love with a woman who is like your wife, or like you, and I’d be profoundly sad if she couldn’t love me back because she is in love with someone else. If a man had loved you, what would you say to him? That’s purely hypothetical for you, but maybe not to other people.

    I hope you realize I’m making excuses for your mom and dad because I DON’T want them to burn in Hell. People do the worst things when they feel someone they love hates them or betrays them.

    I haven’t gotten to the point where I can support same-sex marriage, but I can support the idea of sharing true love, and I can hope it’s forever.

    I agree on Toy. Toy, as long as you act like a grown woman and let people know you’re a grown woman and deserve the respect due a grown woman, you should and will get it.

  6. CJ says:

    I feel for you in having had this experience. I am a 35 year old bisexual man who grew up in a very Catholic family. I also engaged in sexual activity with a slightly younger female cousin and my sister as kids and early teens. The experience was very fulfilling for me and helped me gain a great appreciation for female sexuality. I would not be the lover I am today if not for my sister and cousin guiding me to what truly felt good to them.

  7. Cheryl says:

    CaptainMidnight, I sincerely hope you find that marriage is not purely a Christian or Jewish concept. My wife and I are married in the eyes of the law, and not being particularly religious, we have no feeling one way or the other as to how the church views our marriage. The religious zealots cherry-pick what they believe the Bible tells them, so I have zero tolerance for them as well.

    I don’t mean to criticize your beliefs; I don’t share them but I defend your right to believe what you will. But in the U.S., marriage is a legal concept that affords both parties in a marriage to share in certain benefits. People are married without having a religious ceremony all the time, and nobody questions that as long as they are opposite sexes. Not allowing Lisa and me to share in those benefits because we are in love with someone of the same gender is wrong and discriminatory; that’s why the courts have decided as they did.

    Hatred is the enemy of the U.S., not gay/lesbian marriage. There are those out there saying my country is “going to hell in a hand basket,” as my grandmother used to say, because of such things as gay and lesbian marriage. I say it’s going to hell in a hand basket because people would rather hate than love. I know many people who don’t believe in God who are much kinder, gentler, and more tolerant of those they disagree with than many of the so-called Christians I’ve encountered. I’m not saying all Christians are hateful, intolerant people, but there does seem to be a large, rather vocal number of them who are.

    That said, thank you again for your comments. As I mentioned before, you seem to be a kind soul. Forgive me if I’ve offended anyone. I just can’t abide intolerance.

    CJ, thank you as well. I am happy you found the experiences with your sister and cousin to be so fulfilling.

  8. Poppabear or PoppaClyde2 says:

    Dear, Cheryl, I agree with every word your wrote above.

    There is no more random meeting than being in a railway carriage with other passengers. Many years ago, (1965, I think) I was on the first leg, by rail, as I have said, to a hitch-hiking tour of Europe with my brother. A young man, maybe two or three years older than me, struck up a conversation.

    At one point he was describing the generousity of a man he met in Spain, who shared his last piece of a loaf and a bottle of water with this young man. “He was the most charitable person I have ever met, and he was a Communist.”

    In your country now, and in mine then, this self-imposed label would inspire hatred and abomination. We need to see the person behind the label, description, race, orientation, language, origin.

    I’ve always been a bit wary of the English translations of the statements of the nineteenth=century North American natives, especially the Plains Peoples, but I do love their own name for themselves, assuming it is accurately translated – Human Beings.

    You are a lovely and loving person, Cheryl, and your love shines out of your work.

  9. Cheryl says:

    Thank you, PoppaBear! That is so sweet and such a lovely thing to say!

  10. CaptainMidnight says:

    Cheryl, I just looked at your latest reply to what I wrote. Bless you for your kind words.

    The people whom I admire above all others are those who have deep inspiring faith. You have faith in your love and in your wife, and she clearly returns that faith and love. Looks like you are married in your hearts first and in the law second.

    If I haven’t told you before, I support you as an individual and am really happy for you. The only thing that makes me sad is that I don’t really know how you feel. I have lost the love of my life (many years ago) and am wistful about people who fall in love and stay in love.

    I actually fled one Baptist church when it condemned homosexuality in any form, and I was scared to trust in any church. At work, I’m swapping notes with a lesbian Catholic who was restored to her faith in the Church and writes with great joy about communing with Jesus. I don’t know if I could become a Catholic but she makes it sound really uplifting.

    May many Christians cheer you and your wife on and ask for blessings upon you both.

  11. Cheryl says:

    CaptainMidnight,

    Thank you so much for that! You made Lisa and me smile!

  12. Kikoo says:

    Wow this is really heart touching.
    You really went through very hard times when coming out to your parents and I would to greet your courage.
    You are a loving and tolerant person (and a very talented author) and I wish the very best for you and your lover.

Leave a Reply